What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 05:29
One cannot live in the past .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im still living with it.
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My family never makes their pension either.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He resisted the act ,that day.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Why did i forgive my father ?
Why is Meghan Markle struggling with her Hollywood connections?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I have no regrets .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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And i lived it daily.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She married twice! .
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I will be 64.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was scared of men, in general
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She found it foreign!.
Put me off passion for life!!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Comes on , in middle age.
We all went to grammer schools
I think the readers, may guess!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
When she asked me how she looked .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Would this be the day?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I write beautiful poetry .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She was in good health!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Was to survive, this bastard.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Ive learnt so much.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We were not on the streets..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So whats the point in blame.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But it wasn’t much.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I never cut or harmed myself..
But, we were locked up after school.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
It was going to be , some day.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I waited trembling.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was seconnd youngest,
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
What did i know ?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My life is so biszare .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Who then, do I blame.?
This is soul school!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Especially a lifetime of it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He knew the spot.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She loved him until the end.
I said to her
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was very sick at this time too.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As i do to all so called friends.?
All the time i was locked up.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I don,t even have a pension.
So, i spoilt her more .
I was 9 years of age.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She wouldn,t have been !
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My mum and dad in the seventies!